Ever get a craving for something? When I was pregnant I didn't really get many, despite the tuna fish with chocolate topping stereotype. Occasionally I wanted specific fruits, or really really needed to sink my teeth into a juicy 2" eye fillet steak, but I never wanted to stop and inhale a doughnut for example. Mostly my cravings are organic fresh foods (especially fruit), or fresh made pasta or a chunk of swiss gruyere on dense sourdough.
But shamefully, sporadically, I have a craving for doritos. If I suck my tongue I can taste their saltiness. I fantasise about slowly licking the partially hydrogenated cheese solids off the edges. Of eating them secretly so no one else knows. And when I give in, I can never have just one. I can't just say to myself, I'll have a handful and then put the rest of the packet away to have later in small acceptable amounts. Oh no. I need to devour the whole thing, attack it until there is only a deflated crinkled bag left at the end and I'm feeling slightly exhausted and guilty.
This craving is worse when I am drinking. In between flirting benignly with strangers or leaning over to play pool, my brain will be thinking about salty treats, and the fact that they will compliment my vodka perfectly.
So why not indulge? Because they are bad for you. I always feel hideous when I have them, slightly nauseous and ashamed of myself for being carried away by flavours that have numbers. Of falling for the marketing. I do obviously buy them on occasion, and people have them at parties (but under the eyes of others I am usually OK at restraining myself to just one or two). But I try never to have them in the house, because if they're there, then I know that the second that I'm alone that I will start breathing differently in anticipation, and that soon my fingers will be wrapped around a triangle, smearing orange, and bringing them to my already watering mouth.
Right now I want a family sized packet. And I would finish. them. all.