Thursday, 24 May 2007

Autumn 2006

22/03/2006, 09:43 AM
Trying to study at home today with the Grot underfoot as she seems to be unwell. She keeps telling me she is "Sick Mummy" but she has no fever just a bit of a cough. So am trying to be a good Mum and passable student at the same time. Doesn't work.I think we had our first nightmare last night as well which could be what's unsettling her. I don't know. I just feel better being home with her today and to hell with the study - I hate psych anyway. Speaking of nightmares I am having them almost every night. I am not having sweet rosy baby dreams. I am dreaming almost every night about pain and death. I wake up covered in sweat to go straight back to horrible dreams. I am so terrified that something is wrong with the crab. I lie awake in the middle of the night crying and holding my tiny bump.I am not telling anyone about it because it just sounds histrionic. And being over the top "look at me" just is not me at all. I don't want anyone to know about it. I don't deserve this pregnancy as it is without feeling ungrateful for it at the same time. I feel like I deserve to have it taken away from me. Have been sick again this week after a few days of being OK. Vomiting every day and not able to even swallow my own spit half the time (am single handedly supporting Kimberly Clark's profits). I know my iron tablets make the nausea worse but without them I faint and can't concentrate. Which doesn't help the studying. I can't believe this post is so negative. I am not a negative person. But all I want to do is lie in bed for a week and cry.

23/03/2006, 11:52 AM
Had second of three exams today. Went OK, usual pretest nerves but I am relatively confident that I passed. I missed a few things (remembered them the second they walked out the door - oops) but overall I think I came across pretty well. I was so nervous at the beginning though that I could hear my voice coming out so fast and shaky that I spent the first few minutes just trying to get my voice back under control. Went pretty smoothly from there.Exciting news though is that I felth the crab move last night. And again today in the middle of the exam. Exactly the same feeling it was with the Grot. Very hard trying not to grin without warning during a psychiatry Viva but was magic.I am trying really hard not to become attached to my baby. At least until the next scan when we can check for all the things that I'm worried about but today, with a calmer mood I'm wondering why I'm denying myself from loving this baby. If there is a problem then I won't love it any less, if I lose the baby by whatever means it will still be MY baby. The nuchal translucency scan a week agao was so hard to be unmoved and not excited. To see the little fists punching the placenta, to watch my baby swallowing so I know that the kidneys seem to be fine and the heart beat at 158bpm. To watch the doppler flow that makes it look like all is OK in the cardiac and great vessels region. To see that there was a definite skull and that the spinal column was intact.But most of all just seeing that little profile, a face that I am going to see soon and remember my whole life. It used to be tradition that a woman was not expecting a "baby" before she felt the quickening as that was when the soul entered the foetus. My baby has a soul. It already has predetermined traits that I cannot change. I keep trying to guess if I'm having a boy or a girl. I feel so strongly that I am having a boy that I know I want to check at the next ultrasound so that I am not surprised or disappointed at the birth. Not that I can imagine being disappointed in my baby. I want to buy little blue clothes. But then sometimes I imagine the little dark haired dark eyed moppet that I always pictured A to be. A little girl who is a bit shy and quiet unlike her rowdy older sister.I can't say that I have a preference either way. Although I feel like I am having a boy I wouldn't be disappointed in having a girl, I would just be surprised. When I mention this to some people they say "don't you just want a healthy baby"? Which is such an inane statement. There is nothing that I want more than for my baby to be healthy - I know of no one who would wish otherwise. I just want to meet my baby and fall in love with him/her. My depression seems to be better today - which means that the last few weeks have hopefully just been a transient thing related to me being sick. Ironically I have been feeling more sick the last few days (including today) but today I feel light again. I'm not so much lost in the black clouds.

23/03/2006, 08:54 PM
Feeling so so crap tonight. Cannot even swallow without retching. Feel simultaneously hungry and nauseated by the sight let alone the smell of food. Am trying to care about the dopaminergic pathway and antipsychotic dosages but cannot. Just feel so sick.Have an exam tomorrow morning at 9 - wonder if they'll let me resit it if I vomit on it.

24/03/2006, 07:10 PM
Finished all my exams and assignments finally today. Has been a huge relief. Nausea is still there so it's either residual cortisol or the "morning" sickness is still here.Start of my 15th week today which is kind of exciting. It is going very quickly. Feeling the crab moving more and more. According to UTD it will be nearly 10cm CRL by the end of this week. It seems so strange that there is a little baby in there that's already that big. I haven't popped yet - too much loose skin from A but I can feel my uterus when i put my hand on my belly. Feeling so much relief today. To get the exams all done and out of the way to hand in my assignment and know that I can just SLEEP for the next week is so wonderful. My house might even get cleaned!

14.2 Weeks
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26/03/2006, 07:06 PM
Have had a lovely weekend. Has been quiet and mundane but lovely all the same. No pressure or stress aside from just dealing with being pregnant and a slack housewife.Nausea/vomiting seemed to have disappeared yesterday but tonight is back unfortunately. Am hoping that a few days of adequate sleep will knock it out for good. Went shopping for some winter clothes for A today and bought some Bonds Wondersuits for the crab. Bought blue because I wanted to - and also because if I am having a little girl then I don't mind them wearing blue! But maybe because I've already done my dash on pink clothes with A. I think I went a tad overboard. But with blonde hair and big blue eyes it really does suit her.Cannot express how good it feels to post a mundane entry like this one. While drama and stress probably make for much more interesting rereading today I'm just feeling happy. As a wife, mother, mother to be and most importantly just as me.Oh and also found a comfy maternity bra that wasn't BEIGE!!

27/03/2006, 08:06 PM
Have discovered that you never ever tell anyone that your morning sickness seems to have gone away. It will immediately try to prove you wrong. Thought I was going so well today until dinner time where I instantly started feeling seasick. And even now I still feel like my insides are on a rocking heaving boat while I'm tying to keep a sense of equilibrium.Today was nice and quiet after an interesting night. The Grot had a nightmare at about 3am and refused to go back in her own bed. She fell asleep in my arms and in the rocking chair but as soon as I tried to put her in her own bed she would freak out. Eventually I put her in bed with us where she tossed and turned for about 45 minutes before she fell asleep snoring like a freight train, revolved 45 degree and began head butting her Dad while using my belly as a springboard (all the while fast asleep). We decided at that time that she should go back to her own bed where she slept "like a baby" until 7am when she suddenly appeared at the foot of the bed looking quite sheepish. I guess that's why cosleeping doesn't work in this family.Have been thinking about C a lot today. I miss my little niece. She would be about a month old now if everything had gone as it should and maybe starting to smile. I think about U and M and how brilliant they will be as parents and I get teary about the fact that I don't get to see that beaming pride in their faces that should be there. U bought us around some gifts for the baby yesterday and I nearly cried. It was so beautiful that she felt up to buying us anything at all, but that she thought especially about the gifts and spent a lot of money as well is so touching. I just didn't know what to say to try and convey how much it meant to me. To me I feel like my whole pregnancy is an insult to her. That we should have waited until she'd had her turn to bring home her own baby. I think I would be so bitter. But she is so lovely. She called me on Friday night because she was worried about my being sick and my exams. I just don't think I could be so magnanimous and so unselfish. She is just such a beautiful person - of all the people in the world that it could have happened to I just don't understand why it was her.U is going to be the best mother. She already is. I just wish so much that she was still holding C in her arms instead of in her heart.I have been grieving a lot lately. When Nana died the only way I could cope with it was to ignore my grief, to push it away deep inside. I made myself forget what cancer did to her body and soul. I made myself forget about the last time I had seen her before she died in front of me was when she was asking why? When I couldn't answer her. When she died I was 3 days past my 19th birthday and I thought that I could not hurt any more than I did at that moment. But the thing is that I hurt more now. I hate that she never got to meet my husband or my daughter and that she will never know me as a mother. I hate that she doesn't know that I am studying medicine and that one day I am going to treat people who are sick so that they can go home to their families.But the strange thing is that without her dying I would not be studying medicine and I never would have given my husband a chance. Without her dying A probably wouldn't even be here. It feels so strange thinking about that. I hate the idea that people die for a reason, I just believe that out of the bad I managed to find some good.I didn't think so much about this until C died. In a weird twist of fate she died on the same day that Nana did. The fact that they are up there together helps me a little though. It feels strange grieving for a child that is not my own and that I never met. Like it is a guilty secret that I shouldn't admit to. As if I have no right to. I know my grief is not comparable to U's. But I still miss her. I miss that A would have had a little cousin to play dolls with. I miss that I am not now able to call U and let her revel in the thousand sweetnesses of her new baby. I miss that I can't buy little baby gifts for her. That I can't be half the sister that she was to me. But most of all I miss not knowing C. Not knowing her little idiosyncracies and the soft sweet smell that babies all have.I just wish that I could make it all better for everyone.

28/03/2006, 02:58 PM
Second antenatal appointment and 4th ultrasound. Cannot get enough of looking at the crab, am even jealous of Tom Cruise and his personal ultrasound machine. Nothing very exciting happening. I put a new vacuum cleaner on layby - a Dyson which I am very excited about. Pretty sad considering it's a vacuum cleaner! Was going to buy one with the Maternity Payment but it was on special so went out and got it today instead. Can't wait to get to do some vacuuming ROFL. Should be interesting to see just how bad our old vacuum is in comparison. Enjoying the break. Have found that Spearmint Mentos helps with my nausea but have now got a script for Maxolon if I want it. We'll see how I'm going - part of me says I've stuck it out this long without using it what's a few more weeks?

31/03/2006, 01:18 PM
15 weeks today. Has been a nice week with not having to worry about uni and spending a lot of time with the Grot. We went up to visit Mum and Dad yesterday and ended up going to the show and eating fairy floss and visiting the animal nursery. I love love love DD so much. She is so completely adorable at the moment and has started saying "pwease Mummy" and "thanks Mummy" all the time and it's so cute. She has a touch of bronchiolitis at the moment which is giving her a nasty cough. She still seems pretty happy though. The cat however seems to be having a nervous breakdown and is licking off all of his fur. Took him to the vet to get checked over and he's now on anti-anxiety medication. Also have to get one of his teeth removed ($250) and possibly another one that has chipped. Thinking about pet insurance but wondering if it's worht it at the moment (premium vs outlay). Really don't want to go back to uni on Monday. Would quite happily be a SAHM at the moment and just clean, look after DD and gestate. Ridiculous thing is that we'd have more money if I did. I know I have to finish this degree but at this point in time I just don't want toooooooo. Insert whining here. Pregnancy news is not exciting. Nausea and vomiting is settling down - holidays have definitely been good for me. Still feeling infrequent movement which means that my "has it died yet" feelings are less prominent. Have also stopped checking obsessively for bleeding. That sounds so macabre. I am so torn between being ecstatically excited and enthusiastic to being morose and tearful and convinced of bad things. I yo yo some days between the two and sometimes get stuck on one or the other. But the happy days are outweighing the bad days. I have been preparing myself for "when it goes wrong" and have all of these ideas on how to make it lovely if it does happen that way. Maybe I'm a secret boyscout with the "Be Prepared" motto. I don't konw. I know most people would think I'm insane for being so torn up about this. At this stage the likelihood of something being/going wrong is so small. But worrying is something that I"m good at and not so good at letting go. I just really want to let go and be excited though. To go out and buy things and dream.I've bought a few tiny little clothes to take to the hospital. Blue again because I'm both hopeful and also not fazed by the idea of a girl wearing blue. It makes me so happy to look at them - they look like dolls clothes they are so tiny. But I still can't just let go. I'm hoping that if all is well at the next scan I will be able to just enjoy this.

01/04/2006, 06:46 PM
Never evre tempt the nausea fairies. As soon as I feel that I'm OK I end up feeling heaps worse for the next few days. A got her first haircut today. I did it myself and did an OK job. It looks much tidier than it did. But it makes her look so much older without all the floaty extra bits which made me feel a bit teary. I miss having my little baby. Thinking about the Crab today. I want to know if it's a boy or a girl. I want to start using it's name and to stop using "it".

04/04/2006, 05:26 PM
Am enjoying this rotation so far. Looks to be a lot more interesting if only because it covers such a diverse range of topics, illnesses and patients. Am looking forward to meeting my preceptor tomorrow and to getting started on some practical work.Nausea and vomiting are still hanging around though I'm nowhere near as bad as I was. I'm still losing weight though and have come down 6kg since I was pregnant. It's still not an issue really because I started off heavier than I wanted to be and now I'm well and truly in the acceptable range for my height and weight (pregnancy or no pregnancy) it will only worry me if I don't start to put on weight in the next few weeks. Weight is such a weird thing. I've had issues with it for my whole adolescent/adult life. I have never been overweight except for after I had A yet I have felt huge my whole life. I was actually anorexic in highschool though which makes it a bit strange. When I fell pregnant this time I was the heaviest that I have ever been (excluding being 9 months pregnant). But I was also the healthiest. I had normal regular, non-painful periods. I was fit and healthy and actually felt mentally the best that I have done in years. Yet some people and my inlaws in particular (they being of the very small build) have always made me feel like I ought to be ashamed of my weight. My MIL in particular who is one of the loveliest people I konw has traditionally greeted me with a statement regarding my weight. And it cuts every single time. I feel angry by the fact that although I am healthy they want me to go back to being the person I used to be - the thinner one with its associated myriad health problems. That being healthy and happy is less important than being a certain shape or size. The weird thing being that I still AM within my healthy weight range. My BMI is 24.5 which is fine especially for my body type. Little bit of a vent in there. The Crab is still doing Karate but not much else to report there.

07/04/2006, 08:58 PM
This is going so so fast. Probably because I am so busy. I like busy though - it suits me. Especially if it is the sort of busy where you enjoy getting up and going to work. Last night I got to tag along with an after hours deputising service and it was really interesting and vocationally helpful. I honestly think I could do it as a career whereas previously I'd always been negative about it. The remuneration isn't fantastic though.3 weeks until we get to see the crab again. Feeling kicks a lot mroe often now. I also occasionally wake up with a completely lopsided belly poking out at a bizarre angle. It's not as exciting this time. But it still feels nice.Nausea and vomiting are still around but it's bearable now and it's not stressing me out and making me feel miserable. I was pretty stressed at the end of last rotation so I am glad that this one is starting so well. I even got to do jabs!I am useless at this pregnancy blogging - I just can't find enough pregnancy stuff to talk about.

10/04/2006, 08:02 PM
Finally bit the bullet and am taking the maxolon. I had hoped that I could just ride out these last weeks (it's meant to go away sometime isn't it!!) but I had full nausea and vomiting again today and yesterday so that I didn't really have an option if I wanted to be able to work. Baby Crab I really hope that you're OK in there because I just don't think I will cope if I've been this sick and you're not OK. The only way I have been coping is thinking about you. You're 13cm long now and I can feel your frenetic movements. Have been thinking a lot as well about what if something went wrong now. The saddest thing is that I might not get to see you or hold you. They would not give me a birth certificate for you. To many people you would be completely forgotten. But I wouldn't forget. You are real and alive to me. Everyday I feel you inside me - not just physically in my body, through your kicks and the way you make me so ill. But also in my heart. I always wondered how I would stretch my love to fit you in our lives but since day one I've known. Love just gets bigger to cover all of you. It's Easter this weekend and we're going to be very busy. It will be the Grot's first "proper" Easter and I can't wait to see her excitement as she searches for the glittering paper of Easter Eggs. I might colour some blown eggs with her as well and do some decorating. It's something to look forward to next year when I'm at home as well. More babies around. And more people thinking about it. My best friend is thinking about it and I think U might actually be pregnant again. I hope so much that she is. Even if it can't be the same. Not much else to say.

12/04/2006, 08:32 PM
Not much doing. Getting fatter and losing more weight at the same time. Have become an expert at jabbing people. And have seen a lot of pigmented skin lesions. Still sick which makes looking at some things hard - like mucopurulent vaginal discharge complete with smellavision. Had a lecture on the same today and forgot my maxolon and was all I could do not to puke with looking at it all. Think it's safe to say I won't be a gynaecologist.Thought that I had something to say but I don't. May be back later.Feeling weird again. Don't know why. Want to go run away and hide somewhere for a while. Wonder if I will ever will lose that part of me that wants to run away.

13/04/2006, 03:11 PM
Only a little - but any is too much. I'm so scared. Please stop. I want my baby.

14/04/2006, 03:50 PM
Bleeding has stopped but I'm cramping. I don't know what's going on. I think it's going to be OK though. I hoep it's going to be OK.Hold on little one.

18/04/2006, 10:41 AM
No more bleeding or cramping. Feeling much much better.Have given up all pretense of not attaching to this pregnancy. I want my baby. I want it to be healthy and well. I want to give birth again and hold a pink and squalling baby in my arms. The moment that A was placed on my chest was the most incredible moment of my life. I want to get to do that again with THIS baby. With my little disco crab. Easter aside from the stress and worry was lovely. Lots of family gatherings which the Grot thoroughly enjoyed. Too much chocolate but even the Grot was able to tell when she'd had enough. Today I allowed her some and when she'd had enough she stood upand put the rest in the fridge.We're home today because she's not well and still exhausted from the weekend. I'm really looking forward to being a SAHM again. Although it can be hard and full on it can also be so rewarding. There is no rushing and it's a lot more relaxed. The house gets cleaner as well.Yesterday we got to see a brand new baby and it was weird to think that we're actually going to have another one of them! Although I am so in love with both my baby and the idea of being at home with my babies it wasn't until yesterdya that the reality of actually having a BABY hit me. Their impassive immobility. The sheer responsibility of it all. Have just realised that I've bitten my fingernails down to the quick again. It's a sure barometer of my stress levels as I only do it these days when I'm out of control. I'm goign to enjoy being at home and letting some of the stress out. Being superwoman is not all it's cracked up to be. I have no intentions of being a trailblazer and being the novelty in my tutorial groups is boring. What a mish mash of a post.Thinking a lot about Charlotte again today - probably because they've had James Blunt ads on all day and "You're Beautiful" is the song that will always remind me of her. In my head it is Charlotte's song and I think of her every time I hear it. She would have been 2 months yesterday. She would have been there when we visited the new baby and her new home. Once upon a time I used to paint and draw a lot. Probably my best picture was one I drew about 7 years ago that was called "Stillbirth" that had an angel holding an infant. I don't know where it is - I gave it to my grandmother and haven't seen it since she died. But I wish that I had it yet. I only paint/draw when I'm feeling depressed or upset but haven't really done anything in the last few years. I keep trying to think of something special that I could do for Charlotte and her Mum. But I always come up empty handed. U makes beautiful quilts and I'm useless at sewing and all those crafty things (haven't got the patience). I just feel like I never did anything helpful or commemorative. I just didn't know what to do or say. So ended up probably doing the worst thing in not really doing anything. I still feel guilty about that.I remember writing to Jo in a desperate attempt to find something that would make it a little better. I had guessed what had happened but no one was talking about it so I felt like anything I did say would make it worse. But I guess there really isn't anything that can make it better. These ast few days where for moments I truly believed I was losing my baby were hell on Earth. I couldn't even talk about it properly with DH. But it made me realise that I have no idea what it is like for U. No idea whatsoever. Grief is so isolating - especially if no one really gets it.My community attachment for this rotation is with "the Compassionate Friends". I wanted to go there because I do not handle grief well at all and I need to not shy away from it and face it. In my profession there will always be grief. I will lose patients and my patients will be dealig with grief. It is not acceptable to just shut down and self destruct. When MIL and FIL told me the news about Charlotte I crumbled. I lost my stiff upper lip. I cried in front of other people. But I still couldn't talk about it with U when we visited her a few days later. I can't forgive myself for that. For not acknowledging her loss, for acknowledging the niece that I was thinking about the whole time that we were there. If I hope to get anything out of this community attachment it is the ability to not shut down.

19/04/2006, 07:03 PM
Vomit spit hawk vomit some more. That has pretty much been my day.And I feel fat today. Fat fat fat. Ugly, fat and vomity.

20/04/2006, 08:46 PM
And it's not because my nausea and vomiting have gone away either. I have just developed a reaction to it and am worried because now I can't help but wonder if the baby has been affected by me taking it and it's given no benefit to either of us.I also nearly fainted today. I have become a C grade soapie heroine with every melodrama possible. The crab is kicking harder and harder. I can feel it outside now and it's definitely kicks and not just flutters. I can't wait until my next U/S

23/04/2006, 09:06 PM
Happy happy.This baby is a booter as well It is so incredibly reassuring to have an anterior placenta and be able to feel kicks all night long. No bleeding and no being sick today. Am convinced the crab is a girl. Not sure why just a feeling I guess.DD is doing really well. I cleaned up and moved her room around a little today and it looks nice. Feels bigger as well.Had an unexpected call from the inlaws today as well. At the moment they live a 2 hour plane flight away and have just built a beautiful house (that we have yet to see). But they're thinking of selling up and moving down here in the near future. I am so excited about the thought of it. It would be so lovely for A to have her grandparents as a regular feature in her life rather than biannual visits. As one of the few people that genuinely loves her inlaws both as family and just because they're wonderful people I would love to have their support close by. And just their presence. I've always felt very strongly about the closeness of family - probably because when we moved so much during my childhood family was the constant. I often felt jealous though that friends lived near their grandparents and could "drop by" in the afternoons. Life feels good at the moment. If I could find a way not to stress my nails would look much better and I think I would feel a lot better as well. Everything is just nice at the moment. Happy family, clean house (for a change!), gorgeous little girl, Dad about to get a payraise in suitably serious job and Mum pregnant. If I could just add glowing and serene to the latter life would be perfect.
23/04/2006, 09:06 PM
Happy happy.This baby is a booter as well It is so incredibly reassuring to have an anterior placenta and be able to feel kicks all night long. No bleeding and no being sick today. Am convinced the crab is a girl. Not sure why just a feeling I guess.DD is doing really well. I cleaned up and moved her room around a little today and it looks nice. Feels bigger as well.Had an unexpected call from the inlaws today as well. At the moment they live a 2 hour plane flight away and have just built a beautiful house (that we have yet to see). But they're thinking of selling up and moving down here in the near future. I am so excited about the thought of it. It would be so lovely for A to have her grandparents as a regular feature in her life rather than biannual visits. As one of the few people that genuinely loves her inlaws both as family and just because they're wonderful people I would love to have their support close by. And just their presence. I've always felt very strongly about the closeness of family - probably because when we moved so much during my childhood family was the constant. I often felt jealous though that friends lived near their grandparents and could "drop by" in the afternoons. Life feels good at the moment. If I could find a way not to stress my nails would look much better and I think I would feel a lot better as well. Everything is just nice at the moment. Happy family, clean house (for a change!), gorgeous little girl, Dad about to get a payraise in suitably serious job and Mum pregnant. If I could just add glowing and serene to the latter life would be perfect.

26/04/2006, 07:16 PM
A said this to me this morning. I love being a Mum. I don't care how many sleepless nights and tantrums there are. The good always outweighs the bad. The weather has suddenly cooled down a lot and it seems to be helping a lot with the nausea. My hair and skin are looking slightly less adolescent as well which is nice. Someone even told me I was glowing today.Generally I am just feeling good. I am busy and my brain is being used, I have a supportive and loving husband who I adore and I have A - my raison d'etre. Find out soon if we're having a boy or a girl. So very excited. I just wish that I could take some of the magic that is in my life at the moment and share it with those I know who truly deserve it as well.

28/04/2006, 08:07 AM
You know it's going to be a crap day when you start it by vomiting in the shower for 20 minutes.It's now 4:30pm and I am carrying around a towel to spit into to stop me throwing up. It's a glamorous time.

29/04/2006, 12:48 PM
Still feeling incredibly sick and trying not to yell at DH who has managed to put me in an even worse mood. So I'm being rooly mature and ignoring him. Still better than bursting into tears in Myer.Had first "baby dream" last night. Dreamt I had a boy in a labour that lasted all of about 30 seconds. Said boy then started walking around. Very odd dream. Had enough of this week. Want to go out and yell at thetop of my lungs for a while.

01/05/2006, 01:22 PM
These last few weeks when it has come to the crab although tentative I have been feeling safe. Although worried (I can't help it) there has been the constant reassurance off little kicks and tumbles swirling through my distended abdomen. Even the hideous nausea and my blood red palms have been helpful in knowing that there are hormones streaming through my system.Although I can't see my baby, I can feel it. And it kicks just like my perfectly healthy baby kicked. Sharp at times, languid movements at others or subtle like bubbles rising to the surface. Aside from premonition however, there is no way for me to know that my baby is healthy or not. It is living, it is behaving exactly how a baby in it's 20th week should be doing and that is all that I can know at present.But tomorrow is the denouement. I am simultaneously excited and petrified. I want to go and I don't in equal measures. I want to see my baby, I want to see her kick and squirm and evade the probe of the U/S. I want to see the four chambers of the heart illustrated in primary colours when the doppler mode is used. I want to see kidneys and a bladder that is full, a disproportionately large head and tiny screwed up features. But I am so afraid at the same time. Afraid that the heartbeat will not be found, afraid that there will be problems with the heart or great vessels. Afraid that there will be no kidneys or that there is a giant diaphragmatic hernia. Or an omphalocoele or cysts in the brain or hydrocephalus. That markers for Down Syndrome will be found. There is the part of me that is naive and hopeful, my equivalent of Julia's "Hope Addict" that believes that everything is OK. That the whole point of this scan is to get a lovely DVD full of pictures of my baby and the most important thing is "Is it a boy or a girl??". But the other part, the acidic, tightly furled ball of fear that resides just below my heart is not at all certain. From the beginning it has been whispering (and at others yelling) that something is wrong. That it is not possible that everything is OK. That believing that all will be OK is arrogant. My guilt and fear and apprehension are crystallised and insoluble. And today I can;t get rid of it.

La denouement
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02/05/2006, 07:20 PM
My baby is perfect. Now I just have to keep my secret for 5 months!

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03/05/2006, 04:28 PM
Feeling miserable and lonely today and I have no idea why. Very tearful. Strange because everything was good news yesterday.I think I just want a friend to talk to who has been through this. A friend who is going through this. I would love to be pregnant at the same time as a friend. To have someone to chat to about how we're feeling and growing. To talk about little baby things and the merits of ludicrously overpriced prams.But none of my friends are pregnant. And none of them are likely to be anytime soon. Family don't even seem to care this pregnancy - after all I've done it all before. And there;s a limit to the number of polite questions you can ask. I don't begrudge them - it's not like it's particularly exciting for them. DH tries but as he isn't pregnant (nor likely to be so any time soon) he just doesn't get it. I just feel unbearably sad. Last time I loved being pregnant. It was so exciting. I didn't care that no one else seemed interested because I had enough interest to make up for everyone else! But this time I feel like I'm cheating my little baby by not being excited enough.It's hard being the novelty. If I hear someone else say how "clever" or whatever I am for studying with a toddler and being pregnant I will scream. It's not clever it just is my life and something that no one else seems to do. I long for normality. For having a debate about cloth vs disposable. I nkow people get a lot out of chatting on websites but I don't. For me I need friends that you can have a cup of hot chocolate with rather than "computer" friends. My friends are all out buying houses or units and eating out in restaurants because their double income without encumberment allows them that lifestyle. DH is going away for work for the whole of next week so I get to study, look after DD, look after the crab and then somewhere in there try and look after me.I'm just so lonely at the moment. Maybe I'm depressed again. I don't know. The scan yesterday was lovely. We had a tech who when she knew what I was studying pointed out everything we were looking at and took us straight to the heart to allay some of my fears. The scan took about 45 minutes and then I was re-scanned by the doctor, which concerned me at first because I as worried they were looking for a specific anomaly but we were reassured that everything was where it should be. The whole process took over an hour and a half which is the longest I have ever been scanned before. Part of it though was because I was the last appt and also because the crab was being very uncooperative. We ended up finding out the sex which was exactly what I had guessed it would be. But confirming now is not as "nice" as I thought it would be. If I could do it again I think I would not find out. Not that it makes any difference now. But it is nice to know in some ways. I can call my baby by name and imagine him/her, which is something I have difficulty with when I don't know. The hard thing will be not telling family and friends. I am determined to keep this to myself. I honestly don't want anyone's opinions before they meet the crab. They can guess, they can assume and they'll have a 50% chance of being correct but at this point, DH and I feel that we need to keep at least something to ourselves. Also, given that response to this pregnancy has been as underwhelming as expected I can't imagine that our news there will be particularly interesting anyway. I'm also stressed about money. Our OB is ridiculously expensive and our scan yesterday wasn't bulk-billed so that was another $250 we didn't expect. Add that to hospital costs, the left over balance form our WEDDING photos, my uni fees, living costs etc and I feel like we're drowning. It's such a cliche to be having money issues. I almost want to chuck in this whole degree and just livea normal life where we havea hope in paying off the bills.

Bronchitis and Babies
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05/05/2006, 12:33 PM
The Grot has bronchitis today and is having trouble sleeping because of it. Poor mite. Would possibly get better though if she didn't insist on getting naked at every opportunity. Hard not to laugh though when she's shivering, has goosebumps and yet is refusing to put on any clothes because she is "not cold Mummy". Compromised and allowed her to put pyjamas on which are more comfy when you're sick anywya. Wish I could live in mine.Toilet training is hard at the moment. We're nearly there with "wees" but have no hope when it comes to poo. I just have to be observant enough to catch the "far away" face that indicates that it's imminent. So far not so good. It's hard to be upbeat as well when you're presented with a pair of befouled undies to be told "I did a poo Mummy". But it's either laugh or cry. With my poo aversion I can't believe I'm considering cloth nappies for this babe. But they're so cute and I just can't fathom throwing more money away on disposables. No matter how good they are (aside from cost I have NO issues with them). But cloth isn't as easy as I thought it would be either. There are about a zillion brands out there and if you ask someone which is best you get about 50 different responses! Far too much choice lol.Went into Pumpkin Patch to buy some maternity clothes this week. My normal jeans were actually starting to hurt and although my "clever" rubber band method works quite well I decided that buying some proper maternity clothes might not be a bad idea. And considering how comfy they are it's definitely paid off.Want to buy the baby more clothes and preferably gender specific but I don't want to have to hide them from everyone else! I am determined to have some gorgeous clothes from the beginning this time too. Am very tired this week and have bene rather whingy as well. Think the two are related. But today I am happy. Happy I'm pregnant, happy I'm a Mum and happy I'm a wife. Just wish uni was over and done with so that life could just slow down a little.

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07/05/2006, 08:08 PM
Lots of dreams happening at the moment. Last night I dreamt that I was at home with the Grot when I went into labour and it was intense. With DD watching on I gave birth to a tiny baby boy that I lifted up myself out onto my chest. Was such a lovely dream - wish labour was as pain free and short as it was in that dream. The Grot is still sick, and seems worse. We're trying heating her room tonight to see if it makes any difference. The Crab seems to be doing well. Lots of kicks that are easily felt on the outside. DH has even felt some of them. Antenatal appointment tomorrow where hopefully the dopler will work. Or even better won't work so I will get another ultrasound. Am addicted to the things. I really hope I will get another one at 28/32 weeks. Probably too poor for it though.Quiet weekend. Was nice though. I'm hideously sick again and haven't wanted to eat which makes me feel worse. All I feel like is hot apple crumble with ice cream. Could eat that all day long. Why is there no hot apple crumble drive through? And we have no apples left so I can't make my own.

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09/05/2006, 10:23 PM
Was at Compassionate Friends today and I think that combined with the distinct lack of disco-ing by the crab made me feel very introspective. Thinking about stuff like souls and meaning of life and death. And I can't articulate how I was feeling today. So I am not going to publish this entry.Thinking about my baby and his/her soul. Thinking about the tiny body moving and living inside me. Thinking about that this body that I have always considered mine isn't really. It's just a vessel in which two hearts beat and two minds live. But I don't know if we have separate souls. They are intertwined. Children take a part of your soul. You get to see it in them. Sparkling and shining beneath the surface. In A's eyes and moods I can see that part of my soul. And I know that if anything was to happen to her then that part of my soul would be gone forever. I would never again be complete or whole. And my little baby has already taken a piece of my soul. I need to see my little crab grow. To laugh and love and cry. To feel the fullness of life. I want to see that first step, the first word, the first cuddle and the first "I love you". I want to know that my baby is going to have a first kiss, a first love and a first heartbreak. I want to see my baby become a parent and to feel that sense of fulfilment and chaos and uncertainty that comes from the wonder of holding your first born.But today I read so many stories of parents that had these same wishes for their babies and children. Who had seen that sparkling light in their children. And then it had been ripped away. That part of their soul no longer lives on. They will never ever be whole again. There is no moving on from that. You can continue, you can live your life and find things in it that will delight and amaze you but you will never be whole again.Intellectually I had understood this before but today I felt it most. I am only whole because I have my children. I am whole because I am woken at night by plaintive cries of "Mummy". I am whole because almost every night I fall asleep to the staccato dance steps of my little one. If they were to be taken from this life then I would be incomplete and lost. A splintered soul.I try and imagine what it must be like for my SIL. Who felt the first kicks of her beautiful daughter. Who lost a part of herself to a baby that she had not even met and already loved. A daughter that symbolises everything that is good and perfect in life. And to never see that reflected back in life. And I can't. I just don't know what that feels like. Because even trying to imagine it rips me in two. I don't know how she goes on. How she laughs and smiles and remains so lovely and giving. The strength of the women out there that have lost children overwhelms me. The strength in going on and not collapsing. Of grieving and never forgetting but living in a world that seems to forget or dismiss what happened. That doesn't acknowledge their children every day. Just that there is so much hurt in the world when as a child all I knew was happiness. Somedays you can just drown in the tears that are being wept every hour. I do think about happy things as well I promise. But today I just fell into my own thoughts and was consumed by them. Next post will be fluffy and light.

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11/05/2006, 09:28 PM
I was determined to post something happy and light for this post but then life got in the way Had a shocker of a morning which started far too early when DD decided to start kicking the wall at daybreak because she was bored. And I hate missing out on that extra half hour in the mornings. It also is guaranteed to make me sick and literally vomit.She has been so very two lately. Defiant, pushing the boundaries, and whingy. When I'm already tired and nauseous it's harder still to feel in control of the situation. And arguing with a two year old when you're already feeling offbalance is sheer insanity. I know that it is my responsibility as the adult in the relationship to be the bigger person but today I was just so tired. I felt like lying on the floor yelling instead. Which is so very mature. In the car on the way to daycare I started singing along to one of the songs that I like and DD who was also singing along told me loudly that I had to stop. I hate being ordered around by a 2 year old.The first person I saw today also had Rubella. So I was already tired and overemotional and I'm exposed to a disease that can cause severe defects in the Crab. Intellectually I know that congenital rubella only really occurs in thefirst trimester, and even then my rubella titre is fine. I just felt completely irrational and ridiculous. I wanted to go home and back to bed and start the day over.It got better from there on in though. Very interesting day where I learned a fair bit and got to do a fair bit as well. And the Grot was not as "two" this afternoon either - probably because she actually had a midday sleep again today. She was playing with her "baby" this afternoon - rocking and singing to it and wrapping it up and patting it to sleep. So adorable. As much as two can be a horrible age it is also so far my favourite age as well. The personality, the intelligence, the understanding that she is growing into. It's so magic to watch. I just have to learn to react better at 5:30am to 2 year old demands. Afterall soon it won't just be a 2 year old who'll be making those demands on me.

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16/05/2006, 11:47 AM
Week 22. Nothing very exciting happening. Am trying to study, have a 3000 word assignment, a presentation, 2 exams and a face to face interview in the next week. Not surprisingly it's making me pretty tired. Want to crash at the end of the day but am pretending to study as much as possible. Have no fingernails at all at the moment and they look dreadful. Nausea and vomiting are worse too and I'm sure it's due to the stressing. I am usually a pretty cruisy go with the flow sort of person but at the moment I am getting very stressed. Managed to faint and vomit at teh same time yesterday. Great party trick and seems to get you a bit of attention. Think part of the problem is that for my last rotation I got a 7/high distinction and I quite like the idea of maintaining that average (which puts me on a distinction overall for medicine) because it makes me feel somewhat validated in this studying business. I don't feel like I'm doing anything special, or am doing anything really out of the ordinary but I would be lying if I said that I don't like to feel on top of things. Sometimes feels like I have so many balls in the air that most of the are bound to be dropped so it is nice to have some sort of recognition that SOMETHING is going well. Mother's Day was lovely on Sunday. I got to sleep in and had a nice quiet day. Lay around a lot and walked to the park with DH and DD and just generally enjoyed the sunshine. Am thinking about getting a dog. COmpletely impractical for our current living arrangements but again a bit of a spur to move out. Half hoping that DH gets such a decent payrise in July that it's practicable to move into a house by the end of the year. But not too worried if we can't. Inlaws, who own our current abode also seem somewhat keen to sell it so it would be prudent to find somewhere or make arrangements to move in any case. I'm happy with the status quo though, even if it feels odd to be dictated by their choices. I hate feeling dependent and can't wait to graduate and pay them back all the money that they have directly and indirectly used to support us. In effect they have allowed me to finish uni - something that would be near impossible otherwise. Another spur to finish this degree and do well.The crab is doing well, if movement is a guide. Very clear and distinct movements that are even visible on the outside sometimes. It's such a lovely feeling and one that I will miss after I give birth. It's like a special secret at the moment. I can be talking about the management strategies of implementing Warfarin therapy while grinning to myself that the Crab is dancing. And no one else even knows. Love it love it love it.The Grot is healthy and well at the moment - and currently being enthralled by the visiting baby farm animals at her daycare. She loves animals and I would love to get her a dog for Christmas this year. Something intelligent, easy to train and playful like a Retriever would be my preference (probably because I've always owned Labradors). But they need a proper yard and at present our yard is not suitable. I can't see myself buying something small and yappy though. And in my limited (and biased) experience they just don't have that loving forgiving personality that the big dogs have. I already have a cat!The Grot is just developing at an amazing rate. Her vocabulary and ability surprises me every day. At the moment counting is a big thing. She will count ducks and trees and buses. Her colour recognition is much better as well. For a while I was worried because the only two colours that she could identify with any regular ability were pink and orange. I have no idea what the exact milestones for her are at the moment and I"m refusing to look them up. I don't want to know if she's advanced or not. I know that she is progressing and I don't feel the need to plot her on a chart. Guidelines are so artificial in any case (unless I suspected there was a delay in one or more areas that needed intervention).We are trying at the moment to explain the concept of a new baby to her but I'm not sure that it's working. It's so abstract. The idea that there is a baby in Mummy's belly is weird to ME let alone her! I am a little worried about jealousy and behavioural issues there though as DD can be very possesive. I don't want it to be a traumatic time for her. Hmm this post isn't light or fluffy either but it's not deep and soul searching so I hope it comes off as an OK medium. Nothing particularly funny has been happening lately. Though I did manage to surprise a friend who hadn't realised I was pregnant (despite the fact that I had openly discussed it with other friends in front of her) and couldn't believe that I was 5 months. I know that I haven't put on weight but there is a definite belly sticking out at the moment. She must have thought I was just getting fat ah well it gave me a good laugh.

Had enough
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18/05/2006, 05:21 PM
Want to chuck it all in at the moment. Just want to concentrate on being pregnant and being a Mum.I'm sick of vomiting every day.I'm sick of trying to study.I'm sick of feeling stupid because it feels like my brain is full.I'm sick of crashing every day by 3pmI'm sick of being poor.I'm just sick of being sick.The being pregnant part is the easy bit at the moment. I love the Crab and I love the kicks and swirls. I love DD and want to spend as much time with her as possible. But I'm just so tired. Uni is hard at the moment and I'm just so tired. I have so much to do and so much to study. And I just want to sleep.DH is going away for work again as well. Then I'm going to start my new rotation at a hospital at least a 45 minute drive away every day there and back. I just don't know how I'm going to cope. It was so much easier last time. So whingy. Being tired makes me emotional as well. Cried last night because I feel like no one else gives a sh*t. But in the end why should they? They're not pregnant and it's not like they can do anything. Just no one asks about the Crab. DH is being fantastic but he's finding it hard as well to do all the cooking and cleaning and a good share of looking after DD while working fulltime and trying to deal with his emotional wreck of a wife. I'm just feeling miserable and selfish and tired and sick. Mostly selfish though. Just feeling like nobody loves me or my baby. Should probably go eat some worms

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22/05/2006, 06:24 PM
Have managed to get a head cold. Streaming nose, eyes and itchy ears and throat.So this week I get to do a long case exam, a written exam, a multimedia presentation, a 3,000 word assignment, an assessment of my clinical skills and lectures.Oh and I still have morning sickness. I have nothing interesting to say today. I am just feeling miserable.

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25/05/2006, 08:18 AM
First exam today. Strangely calm. Always a bad sign...Wish I could wake up and it's Tuesday.Nearly 23 weeks. Feel some sort of bizarre relief about it. The Crab is kicking away a lot - mostly at night though so hopefully that pattern reverses when it's born. I realised the other day though I haven't really thought past being pregnant. I think because I never really expected I would get a baby out of this.But I am now. I'm going to hold my litte baby. Hopefully not for another 17 weeks though.Back againThe exam was crap. I doubt that I failed but the layout and the wording of the questions was terrible. The style of exam was just poor. And it's so frustrating. Exam questions that were so ambiguous and required some history behind them. It's just so artificial - it is impossible to talk about management plans for patients when you don't have a patient in front of you. The management plans for a 30 year old and an 80 year old with hypertension for example. Why can't the exam be about performance with real patients with real complaints? Instead of artificial written scenarios that don't even contain the bare minimum of relevant history.Bah. Just sick of this degree at the moment. Want it over and done with.

Week 24
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27/05/2006, 11:00 AM
Complete meltdown last night. All the balls I had in the air just hit the floor - and it was only when they crashed around me that I realised they were all made of glass. So I'm trying to stand perfectly still and not cut myself on the glittering shards.

Happy thoughts
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27/05/2006, 06:22 PM
This was the birth story I posted for DDs birth in 2004
Well, after posting on EB on Monday morning last week about how sick I was of being pregnant I waddled off to my OB in fear of being told that it would be weeks away. In actual fact an internal showed i was already 3cm. I walked out feeling fantastic knowing that I would most likely be giving birth that week. Walking to the train station on the way back home however I knew that it was going to happen that day. For some reason I was certain that i would be in labour that night - the same feeling of certainty that I'd had when I did my first pregnanct test. Well, on the way home feeling like I was party to this BIG secret that noone else knew about I couldn't stop smiling. I was so excited and not at all apprehensive. I'm not sure why - I guess naïveté played a pretty big role.When I got home I wrote DP a quick e-mail telling him about the doctors visit and that I thought we were close to the big event. He was more nervous than excited. He'd become more and more worried as the birthday loomed that something would happen to either one of us.That night when he came home we made love (on doctors orders I might add!) and had some dinner.We were watching the Oscars when I started to feel period pain but as it was not very bad I didn't think that it could be the start of labour. This was at about 9pm. At 9:30 I thought I would time these intermittent pains and found that they were ten minutes apart. Having read all my books and magazines I still didn't think I was really in labour yet as the pains were completely bearable. I was waiting for them to get to the stage where I couldn't walk or talk through them and then that would be "real" labour. Luckily DP thought that it would be a good idea to pack a labour bag as we were completely unprepared. By 11:00pm the pains were a little bit worse and coming every 4-5 minutes. But as I could still bear them quite well I decided that I might still be having a false labour and kept walking around wondering if this was really it. My biggest fear previously was that I would turn up to the hospital and find out that I was only 4 cm and as it was my first baby I fully expected to take 12 or so hours. By 11:30pm I started to believe that I was really in labour and with contractions (as I now believed them to be) 3 minutes apart I decided to give the hospital a call to let them know that we would probably be coming in tonight. As it was my first labour they too assured me that it would probably take quite a while yet as I'd only been in labour for 2 and a half hours and that as I was coping well not to bother coming in until I felt the need. By 12:00 am I was thinking that maybe it was a good time to think about going as contractions were very regular at about 3 minutes apart and lasting about 1 minute to 90 seconds. Then I had the first contraction where I felt that it was getting a bit much and decided I wanted to go to the hospital. For the whole short trip I was worried that I'd be told that I hadn't really progressed and that I had hours to go.Arriving at the hospital at around 12:30pm the midwife on the front desk was quite leisurely in taking my details while I had 3 contractions in front of her. I obviously looked like I was coping fine because she never mentioned it and didn't seem to be in much of a rush. Finally I was taken to a birthing suite where I was examined and found to be 6cm. I was pretty excited and as soon as possible got in the shower. From then on contractions got incredibly intense and as about 1:30am I felt like I couldn't cope any more and was given the gas. The distraction was fantastic for about 20 minutes but then didn't seem to be doing anything. My DP helped me up onto the bed where the midwife examined me and said that if I felt the urge to push then I could! I was amazed that I'd managed to cope so well to that point but I was getting tired and also afraid that I couldn't cope with any more.My OB turned up about 10 minutes later and his cheery face and encouragement coupled with the incredible support of my partner made me believe that I could do this. Then they took my gas away!!!Later I found out that that was so I could focus on pushing. 80 long minutes later my baby's head was clearly visible but unfortunately still posterior so the decision was made to give me a little help with a final push. With a scream that scared me as it didn't seem to belong to me At 3:34am on the second of the third month 2004 my little girl was born - eyes open, facing me and put straight onto my chest. All the pain was forgotten and as I gazed at her perfect form I wondered how it is that you can fall in love with someone you'd just met. She's still the most perfect angel and I am falling deeper and deeper in love every day. They say that no one can tell you how it feels and they're right

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