I am disgruntled. Moody, snappy, grumpy, apathetic. Basically I have turned into a surly spotty 14 year old with hormones flinging around the place. I dare someone to make a PMS joke, because then I could righteously snap their heads off as it has no relation to my "cycle". In fact it would be a relief if I could just assign this grumpiness with an airy wave and a euphemistic tribute to "hormones".
I am just over a lot of things. Uni, studying, mothering, wifeing, gymming, cleaning, getting-out-of-bed-ing. I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, just burnt out I think.
Being sick for a week or more made me all cagey and housebound, and today the weather is pretty dismal which is making me even more dreary. I have all these forms to get signed and I don't want to bother with any of them. I need to go to the gym and I don't feel like it. I need to do some laundry and pack the dishwasher and I just don't care. Our ensuite is knee deep in clothes and I couldn't be arsed putting them in their basket let alone organising them into the interminible washing/sorting/folding/ironing piles.
I just need a break. A real break. One where I can lie around and sleep, visit the art gallery, potter in the garden, do some cleaning, and still have hours left in the day. Where I take the kids to the park because I want to and not because of that guilty knot in the pit of my stomach saying I have to. Where reading them their favourite 15 books in a day is fun and snuggly instead of me wondering how many pages from GO DOG GO I can skip without the Monkey noticing (answer = none).
I feel like I'm just floating at the moment, a giant helium balloon drifting around and being bounced every now and again but without any way to direct myself. I've been out of school for 10 years in November, previous to that it was 13 years of formal schooling. 23 years of education one after another. (22 if you take out 2004 which I took off for the Elfling). I look at how much more I need to do to get even a tiny measure of autonomy in my job and I want to just pack the whole thing away in the too hard basket and start over. Give the SAHM job another bash, surely it wasn't that bad?
I was reading a forum topic the other day which was a lovely doctorbashing session, in amongst the heinous crimes of doctors is what they get paid. Now let me enlighten you should you be harbouring some delusion about my proposed wealth next year. The base salaries for interns in Qld is $57, 000pa. A tidy sum I'm sure, certainly not on the poverty line... but TWENTY THREE YEARS! Studying for that long and at a high level, not just an interesting sidebar course or interest topic, actual difficult/mentally draining years. For the privilege of studying for the last 10 years I've amassed a HECS/HELP debt which the tax dept has just informed me runs marginally shy of $50, 000. I am 27 this year, I will graduate about 6 weeks after my birthday owner of a paper certificate in a cardboard tube and a massive debt. And for this joy I will get to work for an organisation that will barely suport me, expect me to work horrible hours, will decide which hospital I will work in, when I get holidays (these are assigned I don't get to choose when to take leave) and will dock my pay each fortnight to help pay off my debt.
In the last 10 years I've held a few jobs to help me live, including waitressing, as a barista, a tutor and for the last 4 years as a Mum (the govt helpfully "pays" me FTB-B for this). My income has not been substantial, so let's just recap - 10 years at very very very low income (less than $3500 pa), fulltime course load for Arts, Science, Medicine and Surgery degrees, a 50k HELP debt and a final salary of $57, 000. The graduate salary for Engineering degrees (which I could easily have won a fullfee paying scholarship +living allowance) is about 60k.
Now go on, tell me I did it for the money - I dares ya :p
Hmm grumpy AND ranty. Dontcha just want to be my friend? lol