In Rainbows

It was muggy this morning when I went for my run. Sweat quickly forming on my brow, the air thick and humid. It felt like the stirrings of mid November in the middle of an icy dry winter. The sun was strong and cossetting and the air was breathing heavily along with me. As I jogged along smelling all those smells you only get when you leave the confines of climate controlled vehicles I was feeling strong.

Inside the coolness of the antiseptic gymnasium I stretched and did some Cardio for a while before heading back outside where the Summer like weather had revealed itself. Thunder rumbled in the sky before torrents of water quenched the Earth. All around me that rich smell of rain on asphalt, rain on parched soil, rain on trees, rain on pungent murraya.

I gloried in it, the symbolic washing away of the dreary cold weather before the sun came out hot and beaming, no winter drizzle in sight. I tripped through puddles on my way to meet LH splashing occasionally when I found a good deep one, uncaring of the amused looks of those near me.

As I headed home later in my crumpled clothes (I didn't iron them at the gym) my hair haphazardly caught back in a clip to disguise the fact I hadn't brushed it after my shower I looked out to the stormy black clouds on the horizon. They are still building now, dark mysterious cities in the sky, but what held my attention was the magnificent rainbow, prisms of light shattering the blue-grey.

I've been stormy lately, and I needed that sight today. I have warmth back inside of me instead of this vicious iciness that was stabbing me in the stomach. I've stopped bleeding, stopped being angry.

In my fridge remains 3/4 of the chocolate bar that I bought the other day. That night I came home so miserable and uncaring. I wanted to gorge and remind myself of failure while tasting it sweetly on my tongue. I had sex instead. And a long hot bath. And I went to bed early. We've been having a few squares of it some nights, but it's becoming a challenge to me - to leave it there in the fridge and not eat it. I play mindgames with myself and dance a little victory dance when I realise for another day that - fuck you depression and cheap fix solutions - I can do this.

I may not have lost 10kg yet, but I am gaining muscles. I know this because I can ride much more easily now. Some of my clothes are looser as well. While I wish I could inspire you all by saying "woohoo look how easy this is", I only know how to be honest, and it's frigging hard. Even knowing all I do, self sabotage is still rife.

In spite of this, this is important. I picked up a 3kg bottle of milk this morning and looked at it. Really looked at it, and thought there are 4 of them hiding on my body atm, parasites sucking away at my health. 3kg may not seem like much, but it's huge, actually have a look at a bottle of milk today and think in real terms of how many of them you have stashed around your body, on top of your heart.

Anyhow that's about all I wanted to say. Weight loss can be goddamn ugly sometimes, just letting you know that I know it's hard too.