I am very hot. I know it sounds selfish to complain about that in light of what is happening to the North and South, but I am. Dripping onto the keyboard with sweat hot.
I had been marvelling most of this pregnancy just how little effort it takes to grow a human being. While TTC is obviously a rough journey for many, the actual pregnancy part is one that you don't actually get much say in. Doctors are crap at keeping you pregnant if your body really doesn't want to be and we don't understand reams of the minutiae of growing an infant. Mostly, it just happens.
Last week shook me up a lot because I have been so blase about it and how little effort has been required on my behalf. I've whinged a little bit about sore feet at the end of the day and breasts getting bigger and tenderer but in the main, pregnancy for me is something that happens without me even noticing.
It was very hard last week to think that Harry (from now on The Possum) could be lying in my belly but not growing any more, not moving any more, not kicking any more. This is a baby that kicks so hard that the keyboard is bouncing as I type, and who Bingley can feel kicking his hand without coercion - something that he never could do with the girls. The Possum is incredibly active and the juxtaposition of that with dead weight in my pelvis on Thursday was literally shocking. I panicked a lot *because* of the difference.
I've not admitted it on here, but I have been losing weight since Christmas, and am not entirely sure what to do about it. I'm not underweight so I am sure The Possum is getting fed and not starved, but it's something pregnant women "aren't supposed to do" which just makes me jumpy. It makes me feel like something is wrong, when in the main this pregnancy I've not had that anxiety that pervaded The Monkey's pregnancy. As I said, I've just been cruising, allowing pregnancy to do its thing on its own with very little effort from me.
But I got Bingley to take some "belly photos" tonight, and while on one hand it's nice that obviously my abs aren't completely ruined by 2 previous pregnancies, there is something reassuring about having a basketball up your shirt. No one assumes I'm pregnant because at best I look as if I've eaten a few decent lunches and Christmas treats. I want the basketball. I want that reassurance and I don't have it. Even though The Possum has been seen multiple times in 4D, although he weighs around 600g at the moment and is 30ish cm long, even though I am watching him kick the keyboard and can SEE the impression his feet make on my belly, I am weirded out by how unpregnant I appear.
In the above picture I've marked my fundal height with the thick red arrow, the thin red arrow (where I originally drew in as my fundal height) is actually where I can feel kicks, but my uterus as yet isn't quite that high. As you can see, although I look pudgy, I certainly don't look pregnant. And I want to.