Midwinter

It's so cold. Brilliantly, blusteringly cold. The sky is that brilliant winter blue. Almost navy and not marred by a single cloud. The trees are waxy and grey and the intense yellow of wattle is everywhere. The air hums with a crystaline energy, bites through clothing and slaps unsuspecting cheeks.

During the day it's the type of weather that makes you want to be out and running and dancing and exploring. But at night all I want is to make a nice warm nest and snuggle down into it while scoffing warm treacley desserts.

We've been out in the sunshine this last week. Visiting friends, going shopping, walking through parklands, running at the park. And I've gone back to the gym. The action is so good, lengthening all those dormant muscles that feel so good to be used again.

I'm loving being at home. I love planning meals and cuddling the Possum and walking around with my new and wonderful pram. I love picking up the Elfling from school and watching the hero worshipping Monkey joyously playing with her. They are such great kids, and I adore them. The whinging does my head in, but I'm doing my best to try and ignore the bad bits, something that's much easier while I'm loved up on happy hormones. We had some bad patches over the holidays that kind of spiralled, but it's Ok now.

The Elfling is back at ballet and making me chest burstingly proud. She may never be academic but she can sing and dance like an angel. I can't describe just how it feels even dressing her in her ballet costume. She stands straighter, her hair perfect, her feet naturally splaying, all long lithe arms and legs and filmy chiffon skirt. She has swimming this afternoon too, and hopefully we will see that final *click* happen and I will feel more confident about her in the water. She can swim to save herself, but I would love it if she could have more confidence/skill.

The Monkey is off exploring in the backyard, watering the jonquils that are about to burst from their sheaths, and inspecting the slowly unfurling petals of the lemon tree. She runs back in every now and again to show me somethign else she's found in our tiny courtyard, the latest the 2 new purple orchids that have burst into bloom. She is doing swimming again this term and is doing very well.

The Possum is growing and waking up from the newborn slumber. His eyes are still an oily blue and glitter in the moonlight when I feed him. He is interested in everything, but likes best to be snuggled into a warm pair of arms. His hair is continuing to grow silkily and feels so lovely under my fingertips. We had his 6 week paediatrician follow up yesterday and he is healthy and bright and the model of infant perfection. His weight gain is slow (like his sister's) but I am not even pretending to be concerned, I obviously make small babies. His brightness and his interest in everything and everyone doesn't leave me any reason to worry.

His sleep is still a little erratic, made harder I think by the bitterness of the cold at times. It's hard to dress him properly when it can shift by more than 6 degrees in a few hours. It's not helped either by the fact that with his skinnier legs his nappies keep leaking. When wearing 3 layers of clothes plus swaddling, to find out AGAIN at 3am that he has managed to wet through it's frustrating for us both. I know I should use cloth, but we have so much washing already that I'm baulking. On a good night though he sleeps from 5:30-10:30, then til 2am then 5am then maybe 8am. His bedtime is certainly set, as soon as the sun starts to drop behind the horizon he yawns, becomes irritable and his face contorts into comical displays of displeasure.

It's so hard looking at every milestone he passes and not crying a little. I so much want another baby at the moment that I'm not rational. We've discussed the big V and it panics me and makes me want to cry. I read back on my posts from last year and wonder how I could possibly even contemplate trying to do it again, but I am a baby person. I do newborns so well, and the girls love their brother so much. They dote on him and would love more siblings. It makes it hard to make a sensible decision, and it needs to be made because otherwise it will be made for us. I can't do another oops. If we have another baby I want it to be wanted from the outset. As fiercely as I love my children, there is too much at stake now to go through months of ambivalence and career ending panic.

Life is so beautiful at the moment. I wish I could freeze where we are.