Sunday, 10 January 2010
I'm not ok. I don't know how we got here so fast. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not sure how I will cope. I have forgotten everything I knew. All I know is what the back of his neck smells like. How his sweaty fuzzy head feels under my cheek. How warm and heavy he feels against my chest as he falls asleep in my arms.
I think about tomorrow. Of being separated from him and it feels as though someone is scraping off my skin. Long bloodied strips of pain. My throat is clenched and dry and my eyes burn. My breasts are heavy and ache. As if they know that they will not be stroked and kneaded and suckled by him tomorrow. Instead it will be plastic that catches the breathless tingle of letdown while I try not to cry.
I went to the gym today to inflict as much pain on myself as I could, to leave myself breathless and unable to think. And it worked, I sweated and pushed myself far beyond my limits until everything burned and my head was empty. For an hour. Maybe two.
But it's back. The other pain. The pain that's curdling in my heart and spitting through my veins like an angry cobra. He's sitting in my lap a the moment, babbling and occasionally looking up and grinning at me. Snuggling into my bathrobe and smelling me. I can't bear that tomorrow I have to leave him.
I wish that things were different. I wish I had chosen some other career. I wish that I could just be happy with the way things are and not want more. I wish I didn't have the ability to do anything else and I wish I didn't have this stupid soul destroying need to keep achieving.
Everything feels wrong at the moment. Everything. Like every choice and every path I've taken in my life is wrong. I want contradictory things. I want things that can't ever happen and things that would destroy me if they did. But most of all I just want my baby.