Saturday, 22 January 2011
Fight the break of dawn
I had intentions to write but spent the night listening to sad sack music and recording my own voice singing it just for something new and different.
I'm in some weird funk, and wish I got PMT or soemthing so I could blame it on that. Can't think of any other reason why I am determined to listen to pianos and music that has always been able to make me cry.
I think that maybe I'm just tired. I have just come off a very difficult rotation - 60+ hour weeks, evenings, weekends. The stress of Christmas, organising back to school stuff, and a little problem with water that you might have heard our area experienced... That's not even taking into account all the stress at work beyond the hours including the family meetings, the palliation, the psychotic patients, the horrible diagnoses. I loved it, but by the end I felt like it was sucking at me. Physically attached to my chest and pulling at me.
And I start a new rotation next week, straight onto nights and I'm dreading it. Not like I did last year when my whole being felt sick at the mere thought, but I am just not looking forward to it. And for someone that usually loves everything about her work it's not a nice feeling. I wish I could just take a week's leave, but the way my hospital works you only get to take your leave once a year, and for me that is October, which will translate to working for 16 months straight without a guarantee of even having weekends off regularly.It sucks and I think that having had today to not be at work and sit in the sun reminded me of all of that.
I was walking around the shops with the Elfling today navigating her incredible book list and finding shoes and lunchboxes when we wandered into an art supply shop where they had a big wooden box of Derwent pencils. It was resting against an easel and my breath sucked into my chest at the sight of it. The problem with having too many dreams is that if they contradict eachother you can't help feel a little bit like you're missing out.
Enough sadsackness. I will be cheerful and determined and hard working again tomorrow, healing the sick, feeding the poor etc etc. But until then I'm going to sing, and cry a bit and marvel at just how good music sounds through proper speakers and wonder why it's taken me so long to buy a set of headphones.
PS Elfling is starting Year 2 on Monday. When the fuck did that happen??