Gauze

I hadn't washed our curtains since we moved into this house. I am sure that experienced Hausfraus are currently shocked out of speech, but it was well down on my priority list. They were the heavy, block out type of curtains, and so even though the faded minty green colour matched with the yellow of the walls to look precisely like bile stained vomit, I left them. Blockout blinds provide both insulation and the dark cave like sensation that promotes sleep. And that's all I wanted to do. 

But after my dawn experience the other day I felt compelled to take them down, clean away all the dust and to hang gauzy white curtains that billow in the breeze and make me wake to the soft glow of light in the mornings instead of the miserable peal from my mobile phone at whatever ridiculous hour it is that I need to get up. 

I have started my new job and I'm tired. Miserably tired. I am trying to fit too much in and it's so hard because part of me just does not want to. I want it to be easy. I don't want to race and panic and stress, but I have to and that's part of the deal. I come home so tired I want to crawl into bed, but I don't even get the luxury of that because I have to make dinner and read books and sign homework folders. 

I want to be gleaming and excited and happy. And I am quite often. But right now, even though I intended to write about the beauty of waking with the birds, my brain has collapsed into tears and I just can't. The girls are doing beautifully at school and the Possum is thriving at kindy and I want so much to write about those things, but right now I can barely move my fingers to type. So I'm going to crawl under the covers, now that I've kissed the last forehead and finished the last exciting Tashi adventure and feel guilty that I'm not studying. Because useless emotions creep up one you when you're tired, and never give you the giant reassuring hug that you need.