Happy 5th Birthday Little Star

Anniversaries

It's my niece's birthday today. It's also her anniversary and that of my much loved Nana. Thinking of them both, wishing they were her to enjoy the warm drowsy day. Will write later, but wanted a post just for them.

Death

You never forget the day that you meet Death. The day that you go from childish innocence in believing that nothing bad will ever happen to someone you love. I was 19 years and 3 days old the day I first met Death.

It hovered over the bed, sucking the life from Nana with each gasping, torturous breath as Poppop's heart shattered and we the helpless gathered in vigil around the shell that was once the most vibrant bond between all of us in the room. Occasionally a little consciousness would fight its way to the surface and break through so that Nana could look at Poppop with tortured eyes while his soul split with a silent ripping so loud my heart even yet rings with it. But with every fight Death came closer, until there was no breath, until there was no life, until there was no Shining Light that had been Nana.

When I was 24 years and 3 days old, 5 years exactly from my first (but not last) meeting with death, I heard news again that Death had come and ripped another soul in shreds and that silent scream stabbed my heart again. This time it was the niece that was so much wanted and loved that her mother chose to be in pain herself rather than cause any to her. A little star was born to impact indelibly on those who knew her.

I am 26 years and 3 days old today, 2 years from the birth and death of the Little Star and 7 years from the death of the Shining Light and I can still feel the stab of pain as accutely as I felt it on both days. I still go to turn into Nana's street and I can't quite believe that she hasn't met the Elfling and the Monkey who she would have adored. I can't quite believe that the Elfling is not playing with her little cousin, that there are not 3 little grotty fairies to line up on the couch for family photos along with 2 impish boy cousins.

I've met Death many times now through life and through hospitals, and I still hate her. She is cruel.

October 15

Today is international pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day, a day where every miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death can be remembered. So many little people that meant the whole world to someone and yet who are unknown by most in the world. I'm not generally a religious person but this is one day I light a candle and watch its light flicker. There is one tiny flame who I miss most of all, and who I wish I could light enough candles to bring back. She's my inspiration to do Cardiology and my determination to at least try and be strong enough for paeds.

October 15 is also the day I learned 7 years ago, unequivocally, that my grandmother who I loved so much was going to finally be relinquished from the pain she was suffering. It is a bittersweet day, and one that still gives me a sharp pang.

And finally it is the day that I was born 26 years ago at 10:20am in a little regional hospital in Northern Queensland. I think I have achieved a bit in my short 26 years, I am married, I have 2 children, I have 2 Bachelor's degrees with more on the way and yet that list still seems bare and not full enough. But I have had a blessed life, and I have much left to achieve. No one can ever be truly happy if they've achieved anything otherwise what would be the point in going on?

As such I've concocted a teensy list of things to do before this landmark rolls on again

This time next year I want to
- have only 4 weeks left until I can call myself Dr
- have 2 happy and healthy daughters aged 2 and 4 and a half
- be married and happy about this
- have conquered my weight loss goals and be hovering near that magic 60
- have devoted time to knitting and sewing and cooking
- have my rose and wisteria flower and have some vegetables growing

But most of all I want to be where I am today - happy, content, and very very blessed