Email this entry | Print this entry Yesterday, 12:21 PM
... but it's a GOOD hurt.
I had an epiphany the other night, no matter how hard I work at the gym, I honestly don't ever expect that I'm goign to be "thin" again. I just don't believe it. I know I'm getting stronger, and fitter, and I have less back pain (it's everywhere else instead ) but actually having my figure back? Well I don't expect it.
I have always seen myself as unattractive. Always. Even when I weighed 20 odd kilograms less I still was very unhappy with how I looked. I have browad shoulders, stupidly large breasts, a long body and short limbs. Oh and wide "childbearing" hips. Combine that with the unfortunate arrangement of facial features and well, I was never happy.
But these days I am much happier. My body makes babies beautifully. I am strong and healthy and fit. But because I have never had good body image (though my self image is fine) I just honestly can't see me reaching some level of attractiveness. As much as I work out etc I feel like I'm stuck in this weird pale fat suit.
Yesterday I did a pilates class, a 10km bike ride and a 40 minute run. Conservative estimate is that I burned close to 1000 calories, but I just don't feel like I am going to ever lose the weight. If I eat sh*t I stay at this weight, if I exercise hard and eat healthily I stay at this weight.