Friday, 31 August 2007

Obviously I am insane.

I'm home today, home when I should be at numerous tutorials, PBLs and doing research for Stupid Assignment (TM) which is due on Monday. Instead, I am at home, cleaning up vomit and soothing 3 year old neuroses while feeling hungover (with nary a drop of alcohol).

The Monkey has gastro and gastro that is eye poppingly spectacular in its projectileness. Copious arcs of blue white breastmilk exploding out of her like a miniature cheesy Krakatoa. Poor munchkin, she is surprised every time it happens, her expressive face contorting into a look of "What in the HELL was that" followed by bursting into tears at the sheer randomness of it. She is currently standing in the middle of the loungeroom, a fuzzy marshmallow in her pinkbonds suit with her bottom lip pouting and giving me a look before toddling a few steps and overbalancing.

The Elfling is also home wiht us today, having calmed down from the naked screechy sun salutations she was doing earlier this morning (where in my tired, not feeling 100% state, I left her to it until the noise had reached a pitch that is guaranteed to get us egged by the neighbours). We then continued the war of the underpants (she won the battle today) and I tried to avoid crouching piteously in the corner while rocking backwards and forwards. In exciting news though she was dry last night, making night training seem like a possibility instead of one of those in jokes like left handed hammers and self striping paint.

So in the midst of pure parenting bliss like this, you'd think I'd be firm in the never ever ever ever again camp when it comes to contemplating more of these loud, smelly, demanding beings. But, for no discernible reason, while surverying the chaos that is our lounge room and panicking about doing my assignment, and despairing over the apple mush in my hair and smeared over my laptop, what was I thinking? I was thinking "I could do this again".

Is there any further evidence required to show I am clearly INSANE? Have I forgotten the torture of those first months? The drowning in banality of being at home? The frustration with not being any good at parenting? The inability to indulge in alcohol when you have a baby that feeds every 2 hours or more? No I haven't forgotten them but somehow my brain hasn't got its red flags up and isn't screeching "NO for the love of all that is Holy NOOOooooooo". Which is somewhat perplexing.

Now just say, hypothetically that I was to go on this pregnancy and infanthood lark again, in a completely abstract way of course... I mean, in 15 months time or less I will be employed, and in 27 months time I would be eligible for 14 weeks of paid maternity leave. Hypothetically speaking I could consider ttc in 18 months time and I could have 6 months off work on maternity leave at half pay and we could have another child. Another child to poke toast in her eye and then complain that it hurts...

Where is this even coming from? Is it because the Monkey has started walking? Putting behind babyhood forever and ever and never being my sweet snuggly little one ever again? Well considering she is currently upside down and attached to my boob having a feed, not really. She still is a baby. But she isn't at the same time. She's a little girl now, and a cheeky bedimpled one at that.

I don't know where it's coming from. My brain has just clicked with the "well, we could have more if you wanted to". So it's a matter now of working out why I wouldn't want one. We can deal with the chaos. We can deal with ahving no money. We can deal with everything really. There is no reason to not have more if we actually want more. But there's the rub. Do I want more?

I guess we wait and see now. We have 18 months to work it out and then I'm putting the kybosh on the whole idea. If in 18 months we're both feeling like it would be a good idea then we'll probably go ahead and do it (or more likely go out for the night in 18 months, and in a hazy, euphoria filled moment say something immortal like "yeah sure why not, I mean if it happens it happens right?").

This is all so weird. I was so happy with 2 last week.

1 comment:

Kisses said...

Poor little Babykins! I hope she is rapidly on the mend. As I've said on other occasions, May the Force Be with You!


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