Everything Zen

I have loved this Bush song for years and years and years... and it bears no relevance to this post or to my current mood aside from the fact, for the first time since Phil arrived, I've found my feet again - everything zen.

For the last 3 weeks I have been treading water with no idea where land was, trying to either keep my head above water or be brave enough to just drown. But today I saw land in the distance and swam until I could feel sand under my tiptoes. I'm not on the shore yet, a single decent wave could rip me straight back out again, and I'm not sure that I have the strength not to drown again - but right now, I have a foothold. I've found my Zen. I've found my way back to Jenn.

I forgot how much I love her. Love her strength, love her calm, love her grace. I know she is not as exciting, interesting, intoxicating or addictive as Phil, but I can live with her. She is the part of me that can calm and soothe and balm. She is the one that you want to come home to at night - to lie down by a fire with your head in her lap and just feel all the tension of your day seeping out. She will kiss you and make you feel like life is worth living. She will lie awake long after you have finally fallen asleep and wonder at the beauty of the world.

Phil is a drug. An addictive, exhilirating drug. There will be no namby pamby talking about feelings with Phil. There will be no soothing because she will extract every last bit of life out of you and leave you spent but craving more. Phil will give you a heart attack before your next birthday. She will leave you with unexplained bruises, scratches and cut lips and walking around in a headfuck. The only way you can get away from Phil is if she runs first and you can't find her - because you will want her - whether you want to or not.

You fall in love with Jenn, you become a slave to Phil. I'm glad she's gone away.