I hurt

In lots of places right now.

At uni the topic of the week is neonatal death, compounded by my meeting women who have experienced it. I've also had the unwanted experience of dealing with women who are pregnant but whose babies are already known to DOCS. These babies will be abused. I want so much to take them home with me, into our messy, crowded home where they will never be hurt. I am also attending an infertility clinic so that I can deal with women who want a pregnancy and a baby of their own so badly and by nature of them being there have a lot of hurt.

I hurt because a friend who I have grown vrey close to is completely ignoring me and it is mostly my own fault. I hurt because I can't fix it, especially if said friend will not let me even apologise. I don't know if friend can accept apology anyway... there are some lines you're never allowed to cross.

I hurt because I feel like my brain has been violated. I never let anyone in there, past any of my walls. I don't open up (this place doesn't count :p) and I never let anyone make me vulnerable, but right now I feel like I'm splayed open nailed to a telegraph pole for everyone to gawk at. Those bits of me that I never let anyone see have been scooped out and dumped on the ground as worthless.

I hurt because I am confused and I hurt because I want what I can't have, as has been made abundantly clear. But for 5 minutes in there I saw a glimpse of the stars and wanted it so much I could taste it. I think it hurts most because I will never see it again.