It's not you, it's me...

Sorry was going to write a Part Four to my exam extravaganza (because of course you were all hanging onto the edge of your seats) but just couldn't muster up any enthusiasm because it's awfully dull. I was first in for my prac exam on Friday afternoon so had no time to get stressed/antipathic. The case scenario was quite straightforward, I was logical/clear/empathetic/professional (as ajudged by my examiner) and in short I passed. So there really wasn't that much more to say. I came home as soon as I could on Friday and collapsed on the couch and watched bad TV with my laptop balanced on my lap. Then I picked up the girls, took them to go have fish and chips, came home, and after putting them to bed sat on my own feeling lonely and anticlimactic (LH was at his monthly poker game).

And that was the end of the story.

So now I'm on holidays and trying to remember what one does when they don't have to go to work every day and stress about studying at night. It's disconcerting! One thing I've realised is that when you're stressed about everything else it's easy to be superficial in your relationships with others, mostly because you don't have the time or the energy to devote to them. But now that I do have both, I am sitting back a bit and trying to work out what's going on. I'm not a superficial relationship person. I am friendly with everyone, so there is nothing special about being polite and interested in people and making small talk. And yet, I find, that when I don't make the effort on my side to actually develop friendships properly, that people are plenty comfortable with slipping in to polite superficial with me. Which says a lot about me and my appeal to others.

It is teh suck to borrow an expression. Part of being composed, and self sufficient and cool/calm/collected is that you don't inspire people to delve deeper. Sometimes I wish I could meet someone like me, who actually digs long past the point where you're supposed to dig to actually get in to me. I've noticed that while people often let me in, it's because I ask the questions, I care about the answers and I push past polite facades. But I get the impression that most people think that that's all there is to me. The facade. I've tried recently just letting it out without prompting, or without people actually seeking it. But I've decided that it's just not me. I can't just blah on - it makes me feel uncomfortable and burdensome. And worse still it reeks of desperation - that no one is interested enough to explore it so I'm just hanging it out there like some pitiable flag.

The uncomfortable realisation though is that I am actually just not very interesting. It's pretty sad that it's taken me til 26 to realise that I'm boring. But enough self pitying shit. I'm on holidays now and all posts henceforth must adopt a more positive and less wallowsome tone. I have some plans for these holidays that so far include
- playing with the girls
- goign to the French Film Festival with a friend
- finishing some knitting projects *blush*
- going to a movie, alone
- posting about Autumn
- cleaning... *vomit*
- finding the imaginative, happy and serene girl that I usually am. Instead of this one. I have decided I don't like her, and I am worried that this blog is partially to blame. She listens too well... no wonder no one else does.

(I really should go to bed instead of posting sometimes... been listening to this song Into Your Hideout which I don't think I would normally like)