Sunday, 23 November 2008

Freak Out!

Ever feel like your brain is full? Mine is at the moment, to the point that I can only think of one thing at a time. There is so much going on at the moment, so much that needs to be done and organised and simply thought through in the next week and I can't. I can only do one at a time.

Some of it is fun - like my appointment on Thursday morning with the beautician to get all hair follicles below my neck removed and then coated the next day with fake tan (never done this before - hope it looks ok!). Or getting the Elfling's hair cut.

But others are scarier. Like Tuesday's appointment to get our NT scan - to see if
a) there is one live baby there
b) there is one healthy live baby there
c) how the fuck we will cope if there isn't...

Or Sunday, where I put myself on the line for 3 hours to see if I cut it, to see if I deserve the flight I take later that night. To see if 6 years at med school has imparted me with enough knowledge to impress a bunch of people into ticking the right boxes that will allow me to graduate on the 12th. How bad will it be, if after all of this, I fuck it up.

How about the fact that Tuesday is Bingley's 28th birthday, and that if the scan and bloods don't go well that it will be my fault that I have ruined his birthday forever more? That no fancy meccano set will make up for the fact that our 3rd child is not going to make it? I'm a barrel of monkeys at the moment I tell you.

This week is coming at me like a train - the mythical light at the end of the tunnel and I'm just looking at it steaming towards me and knowing I've got to meet it head on but desperately wishing that I could outrun it. I'm not ready for this week and I want it to be over. On the single plus side I'm down to 66kg. I wanted to be 65kg before we went to Bali, and ridiculously enough I will probably get there - I wanted to do it the healthy way though instead of hyperemesis. Oh yeah, that, still happening.

I can't believe that this time next week we'll be about to head to the airport.

Oh my God.

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