Autumn

The air here is starting to clear from the heaviness of summer. It is a golden green now, darkening as with the leaves on the trees. Autumn in Queensland is not of the fabled motherland: there is not a true crispness in the air, nor are the leaves a brilliant vermillion. The differences are more subtle, in the way the breeze gambols around your feet and the grass is somehow greener. The afternoons in particular are sprightly. After the impotent heat of Summer, suddenly there is the ability to run and jump and play without worrying about heatstroke.

I always feel alive at this change in season. When the wind whispers gleefully in my ear as it passes. It makes trivial things actually seem more trivial. Those things that had stuck in my conscious like little barbed claws, hanging on and hurting whenever I tried to brush them off.

There have been some hard and awful things that have happened around here lately. A cousin who was almost as pregnant as I lost her baby last week. "Lost" being such a stupid euphemism because it's not like she forgot her, or misplaced her. After 10 years of trying to meet her, it's not something you tend to do. I have no idea what to say or do, except be angry at whatever deity it is that people believe in for being such an incredible arsehole. There is no infinite wisdom in this.

I went and had the interview with The Elfling's teacher. It went really well and I think a lot better of her when she is relaxed and not at the classroom door on my daughter's birthday. We discussed a lot of the Elfling's behaviour and tried to discuss her quirks and the things that work for her and the things that don't (like being expected to sit still without having some sort of external sensory input, or time out). It's still not 100% but I'm not hysterical now.

I thought my marriage had died. There's probably a lot more subtle ways to say that, but I honestly believed it. Somehow in my head I though there was no saving it at all, because everything had gone. And I blamed the marriage. Instead of the immense pressure it's under, I thought it was the marriage that was all wrong instead of the circumstances. Until I finished my rotation, relaxed a little, and suddenly could see clearly again. And remembered little details like, I actually adore my husband as more than just the co-parent. I'm not sure how I forgot that, I could blame pregnancy brain, but that would be unfair.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant. How, I'm not sure because it's just happened without any input from me. Work has started to become difficult. Walking up both lots of stairs has become difficult. Going for a run this afternoon was not pleasant, but... difficult. The incursion on my body is so much more severe this time. I may look better, but I feel like I've been run over by a truck. The fatigue is relentless. I have 25 shifts left of work and I will be counting down every last hour. The late shifts and the 15 hour shifts are going to kill me.

I got a good report for my end of rotation assessment. This pleases me, but it could have been better. I know that gives me something to strive for, but by the same token I am a little disappointed. For me, I wanted to do better. To prove to the misogynistic bastards that being female is no barrier. That being a heavily pregnant female is no barrier. But I can't seem to breakthrough. And above average isn't the same as exceptional.

It's night now, Autumn night. Clear and cool, but not so you need to put on a jumper or anything drastic. Just a light caress on bare skin raising the fine hairs. No mosquitos, not even the raucousness of crickets. Just cool velvety darkness and brilliantly clear sky. It seems apt somehow that I can see them tonight, because for months all I've seen I've seen are clouds.