Day 12

No ring. They're nonchalantly looking for it. I am unimpressed. I am, as you may have noticed, abnormally attached to sentimental objects. I imbue them with memories, thoughts and feelings. So losing one of them, especially through no fault of my own feels like losing a limb.

There have been times in my relationship where I've felt certain that we were not going to make it. Times where I have wondered about my ability to keep the promises I made when I allowed it to be placed on my finger. But looking at my ring, fiddling with it as I anxiously thought over the issues, thumbing it backwards and forwards, I have always come back to us.

When I said that I felt jinxed, I feel as if I've lost my safety blanket. My constant visceral reminder of the fact that when it was put on my finger we were so much in love. We didn't just love each other, we weren't just affectionate and happy. We were "in love". I was passionate about Bingley and my family and most of all the future that included the two of us.

My wedding ring is the symbol of the promise that I made to stay married, and to stay faithful to my wedding vows, but my engagement ring is the symbol of hope. Of how we would lie together and plan our fairytale future together. We were so young, of course we had no idea what it would be like and of course it's been a million times harder than we could have ever imagined.

How can 20 year olds possibly know what it's like to deal with no sleep, poverty, illness, separation, temptation, arguments, money, bills, people who don't appreciate your marriage? But my ring was us being in love and wanting to give it a shot. And through all of the things that have tested us, and there have been severe tests, I've been able to sit in the sun and watch the rainbows dance, and remember exactly how it felt.

I've felt pulled away and discombobulated again recently, and it was the impoetus for me to get my ring resized in the first place. I wanted my memories to glitter every time I was in the light and for me to remember that beautiful purity of emotion.

I hate that I don't have it with me. I feel guilty for letting it out of my sight. And for the fact that if I had never felt doubt in the first place it would still be around my neck just above my heart.