Sunday, 12 September 2010
I slept in this morning. Not a proper, wake up at 10am type of sleep in, but one where I was at least permitted to stay in bed until then; woken at intervals, listening to thr joyful shrieks of children and the occasional hopeful interruption by Bingley before drifting back into dreams. Dreams so realistic that I swayed a little when I woke up, disorientated and trying to work out where dreams faded and reality began.
The first dream, around dawn involved pregnancy again. And giving birth. Very vivid birthing scenes of a very pale, very long, blond haired baby boy. Not the baby from my other dream, that one was almost assuredly a girl.
What was strange was the sense of fear, loneliness and detachment I had with this baby. As if it represented something that I was afraid of. I was afraid to love him. Afraid to touch him. At one point sitting and watching him as he slept, much like I did with the Possum when he was born with the panorama of the city behind him. And I konw that I loved him but that I was afraid of that. For some reason I was sure that someone was going to take him away.
As I drifted uncomfortably back into vague hyperreality the dream shifted. I was in a strange city, in an airport, on my own. There was bustle all around me but I felt completely isolated and alone as I pulled my luggage behind me and started walking towards the centre of the city. There was a body of water between me and the tall skyscrapers and a bridge of cars zooming past as I walked towards it, looking at the glow of the city lights on the rippling water. It was very dark where I was, but the city was lit up like a Christmas tree as I walked towards it, ferries zipping underneath the bridge. My heart was in my mouth for this walk, not because of fear of being along and in the dark, but because so much was invested in where I was going.
The third dream had me in a nice hotel room, maybe in the strange city? I was curled up in the hotel white fluffy bathrobe all alone in the room. It was a mid level room with views over the city below and a vague hum that comes from cities filtered by thick glass. I didn't have the curtains drawn, they were wide open and there were no lights in the room. So tehre was no glare, just the living drama outside my windows, lives bustling, deals being made, people falling in love, people playing music, people eating, people walking up and down.
In one of my hands I held the remote for the TV and in the other my mobile phone. I could not see the message on my phone clearly but I know I was debating pressing send. In the end I hit send and waited for something, staring into the dark panorama before me, falling asleep alone in the large hotel bed curled up still in the bathrobe. The TV was on, casting flickering shadows around the room as the pay per view movie played on even as I was asleep. It was definitely a Friday night, and I was waiting for something, but I'm not sure what.
The fourth dream had me unlocking an apartment door somewhere. It was later in the afternoon and I was coming home from work tired. The apartment was empty, no one waiting for me. I curled up on a couch with a glass of water and closed my eyes.