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My keyboard, because it is part of an exceptional gaming rig, illuminates so that when I'm sitting here in the darkness, in a little bubble of electronic light, I can see the keys. This is very handy because before I worked out how to turn on these subphalangeal lights I used to type sentences that looked kuje thes whisc was very unfortunate. (And was breaking my backspace key - segue, do you use backspace or delete? I am a staunch backspacer but so many people I know use delete, which I think is weird, possibly because my little finger can't reach the delete key).

It also means that on the nights when I want to totally immerse myself in what's on my screen I can, with no ambient light to distract me aside from the ghostly glow off my hands and arms as I tap away at the keys.

Some of my favourite writing has come from darkness. It's ghostlier, lonelier. IT inspires me to think about what I'm writing and to look into my own experience and thoughts instead of relying on my vision. And that's something I enjoy very much.

The other thing the illumination is useful for is the very thing for which it was invented - namely, gaming. That is, staying up late and playing online roleplaying games... Nothing is as likely to get me the polite stunned gaze as the admission that I game. That is, assuming people have ever even seen game used as a verb.

Gaming seems to conjure up images of adolescent, tumescent boys without girlfriends who needed something to sandwich in between their rabid downloading of free porn and is often viewed suspiciously. Those with slightly more idea of what it involves will tell third hand stories of a friend's auntie's cousin who lost his job and wife and had to be surgically removed from his chair after three months of World of Warcraft.

So where does a 29 year old, employed, wife and mother fit in? Well research will tell you that I will fit in quite nicely. Although traditionally women gravitate more towards the Second Life/SIMS type games, they also play the combat games too. I like to believe that all do it solely for the enjoyment, but there's obviously an element of notoriety as well, as any female who's ever joined a vent channel in an all male raid will know. It's the easiest way to meet men you've ever seen.

I play because I've always played computer games. From PitFall and RiverRaid on our old Commodore 64 I've loved strategy games and RPGs. When we first got together 10 years ago Bingley and I used to spend many a broke afternoon playing Diablo II together, levelling our characters and finding new loot and relaxing in the same way that others will in front of the latest movie. The difference with a TV and a game though is that you get to interact. It's a choose your own adventure book that you can watch like a movie.

A few years ago now, Bingley started playing Everquest, I think while I was just starting medicine. The concept fascinated me, a regular computer game where you have to finish quests and find things to get to other things and defeat bosses (pretty standard format) but where you could play with other people over the internet. People from all over the world would be logged in to this little world, and you could chat to them while slaying a dragon and wearing plate armour.

The childish imaginative side of me loved this to bits. It's a dress up party that's totally opt in or opt out. The game we play now has so many facets that there truly is something for everyone. You can potter around your house and decorate, you can make things to sell, you can quest for shinies, or you can group with others and conquer ogres and trolls and mythical beasts. And you can chat away at the same time.

I've met people from Norway, Sweden, Italy, New Zealand, England, Denmark and all around Australia from this game. After a stressful day at work where I'm wound up like a spring I can log on, blast away some gnolls and skeletons all the while chatting to an IT guy in Adelaide and an Engineer in Denmark. And I love that. It's almost totally replaced meaningless tv for me these days, because I love that interactivity. It's msn with dragons.

And yet the nerdly tag still follows me around, questioning my interpersonal skills and wondering if I've got a family sized box of cheetos next to me while laughing with a little snort and squinting through my coke bottle glasses. When the reality is I play mostly stretched out on our King lounge suite, with music in the background and my well adjusted children in bed.

Some people like to spend the evening with a glass of wine - me, I'd like a fabled set of spaulders with a spell reuse proc to increase my overall dps so I can top the parse thanks.

For fellow nerds, just in case you haven't watched this cult tv show http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pure_Pwnage it cracks me up. And Bingley cracks up at the fact that I can follow the dialogue. Apparently it's a turn on to have a wife who can use pwnage in a sentence.

Nebulous

It's coming up very quickly to November, and as I've slumped in the writing department again, with little to no chance of a sojourn off on a sunny writer's jaunt to get back in the groove, it's about time for me to sign up for NaBloPoMo again. Last year I managed to do it, just. And it was very good for me. I miss writing. I love writing. When I write regularly I finish a post, press send, and exhale. It's like All that urge that's inside me to commit *something* is satiated. Even if all I've done is post a picture. Or a brief whinge. That very *somethingness*; that urge to link myself with the ability to put words together and make them mine (even, or perhaps especially, if they're not meaningful or interesting) is so important to me.

I'm sitting here at work at the moment, sitting Indian fashion on an uncomfortable chair and surfing the internet. Tired from a long shift and a long week. Looking forward to a full weekend off to be with my family. Sitting next to me here however is a photocopied piece of paper to add to my mental file of reasons why I am here. My report card from this term, looking awfully similar to the report cards I had in primary school. Columns of tick boxes with lots of different categories.

Clinical skills, Knowledge Base, Clinical Judgement, Communication, Personal and Professional Skills, Teaching, Time Management... It goes on. Usually my reports are very good. I have had one singular report that barely passed and it dented my ego and sense of self right down to the core. But in the main I have had veyr complimentary reports, the last one, for Surgery was so complimentary that I actually received a letter for my resume from the director of clinical training here. Which swelled my head and reminded me of a tiny 11 year old girl with waist length black hair who bounced home with her report and the knowledge that she could do *anything*.

But today's report is perfect. It could not be any better unless it came with diamond encrusted tickets to Paris. I am slightly embarrassed by it, thinking of the times when I know I could have done better, or worked harder. But I'm a tiny bit proud too, because I enjoy my work and I'm passionate about my work and about the patients I look after. The comments in the "free text" bit made me blush, but they're about me, and recognition of me and I find that hard to not knock down.

I am not perfect, I have so many areas to improve on, and I know that the path ahead is not going to always be easy. But right now there is a little fire inside of me, that burns so brightly and with so much heat that I can feel the flames lick along my veins. I feel irridescent, hopeful and so excited for what lays ahead of me. And if you could see my eyes you'd see the flames too, as the golden tongue of the Gleam sings.

More proof that I am the world's biggest nerd

Chain of events leading to minor supernova of neurons in Jenn's head today


1. Voluntarily doing research in the library
2. Voluntarily researching the physics involved in the production of digital images from Computed Axial Tomography (aka CAT/CT scans)
3. Discover that in 1958 the EMIDEC 1100, Britain's first transistorised computer, was developed under the leadership of Godfrey Hounsfield, an electrical engineer working at a company called Electrical and Musical Industries
4. aka EMI
5. Which received a huge boost in funding in the early 1960s from the sale of this


6. Which lead to Hounsfied inventing a machine called an EMI scanner capable of 80x80 pixel resolution axial images of the brain
7. Which lead to him receiving the 1979 Nobel Prize for medicine
8. And paving the way for the images that I use every day as part of my job


9. Thus meaning that my future vocation is heavily based on the initial success of a group of Liverpudlians whose songs I sing regularly to my children. :D
10. And that part of me is so hugely tickled to think that loving music can be the source of something so advanced, so necessary and so incredibly life changing in such a tangible way

Purple's a fruit.

I solved the bread crisis, which in retrospect was most likely due to not getting enough vitamin B, with seeds. Seeds and nuts really, but between the two I’ve noticed my blood sugars are absolutely more stable and I’m feeling generally a lot healthier. It didn’t help though when at morning tea meeting today someone brought out a packet of mint slice biscuits. There is no way on Earth I can say no to them, but managed to restrain to only one, so I am feeling virtuous and smug.

I’ve also been going to the gym after work, and hope to make it a regular habit. Something that is made more difficult through apathy and staying up too late to watch Season 3 of True Blood, but is worth it nonetheless. The biggest thing I’ve noticed? My posture is better. I tend to gain weight on my arms, upper back and bust. Which when your bustline is already too big puts a lot of strain on the thoracic spine. In any case I feel more confident and generally like I’m breathing properly when I stand up straight, so the effects are multifactorial. I really ought to start the day with some sun salutations as well – I know they’ll make me feel better, but when it comes to that or burying my face in the pillow for 10 more minutes unfortunately the pillow still wins. Hopefully it will start getting hot soon so getting out of bed becomes necessary.

The jacarandas have just started flowering I noticed. Study time for university and high school students… and, as it turns out, for me. I have a bit of down time at the moment, and have been trying to fit in some independent study. Mostly just to keep my brain active, but also to further my education and place me in a better position when I apply for training positions.

I am a paper studier, and cannot get by with computers/internet alone. It may seem odd, that in an age when you can google or wiki your way through everything that I would shy away from technology, but when it comes to real learning, I am at my best in a library with a paper book, off a shelf, a ream of recycled/reclaimed paper and some pens and pencils. I like to doodle diagrams and make up flow charts. I once fancied a career in anatomical illustration and like to do my own sketches of the blood supply of the forearm and the muscles of the eye. I very firmly believe the mantra of “see one do one teach one” and cannot help myself from trying to share pieces of new found knowledge.

In fact, anyone that’s been trapped in a car or other small space with me for any length of time knows that I can’t help but share. And teach/explain. Ever wanted to know the molecular basis for diabetes? Welllll let me pull up a seat.
Anyway, I’ve procrastinated enough, and need to re-read the physics of MRI. Hope you are all well.

Twin Lens IS Kit

It's a bit late and I've been running around in my robe and wizard hat but I wanted to introduce you to my new baby. I've been overflowing with the need to create and express lately. I hope she helps.